Posts Tagged ‘sex’

Troubles of the inlet flexible Toilet metal Valve, Sex for the Aged.

March 26, 2013

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“Once you double thread the plastic inlet valve you’ve buggered it up”, the plumber cheerfully informed me. The whole week-end was taken up by trying to fix a pesky leak around the toilet bowl. I got fed up being accused of miss-aiming. Worse, I was accused of ‘old man’s dribble’. Can you believe this? ‘How come it is only wet around the upstairs loo’, I retorted. ‘That’s because you go upstairs during the day and downstairs during the night’.  ‘I fail to see what night and day have to do with it’, I feebly defended. It was hopeless and I should have known better. The lack of logic was appalling.

After several tries with a spanner and multi-grips with the bathroom in full flood I gave up and next day called a plumber. It is of course useless to call a plumber on Sunday. I tried and remembered Woody Allen saying. ‘Not only do I not believe in a God, but try and get a plumber on Sunday.’ The plumber turned up on Monday and spotted the fault within seconds, “the plastic thread has been double threaded on the inlet valve” he told me, but without directly accusing me of one of the most common plumbers diagnostic observations. He was canny enough and knew exactly on which side his bread was buttered.

Were you as heartened as I was that sex and the aged are now seen as essential as walking sticks or laxatives. I could not believe that ABC TV on Q&A a couple of nights ago,  featured the minister for immigration wholeheartedly supporting the idea of erring on the side of the aged including demented or Alzheimer suffering patients or clients allowing (in an emergency) sex workers to bring joy to those still getting the odd twinge or so. It is nice to know that in a future not all that far away we all in our final dotage will be well catered for in that section of ageing gracefully.Some of us can’t wait for a bit of light hand relief or some honest face sitting in case of our sexual needs still surfacing at times. There is still so much to look forward to.

It was the Kelly O’Dwyer, the ultimate conservative throwing cold water on the excitable supportive audience by going on endlessly about how “we all should ‘tread carefully’ and act ‘very carefully’, be very ‘careful etc”, on this issue. What can you expect from an ultra conservative Member of Parliament with such a ridiculous seat named ‘Higgins”?

Just to finish off.  I read that the funeral business in the US is in dire straits. With the advent of flu shots the number corpses have dried up and dying is not what it was a while ago. Embalmers are jobless and forced to seek employment elsewhere. A great pity because, sooner or later, the dying will come back and the art of a good embalming job will be lost. Some of the smaller funeral businesses have been taken over by multi corporate giants. They can buy coffins in bulk, share facilities, crematoriums, embalmers etc. A good embalmer in the past could call his price. He would study the corpse, chin held caringly in one hand like an architect contemplating a future opera house.

The funeral industry wasn’t helped by a Court case in San Francisco where it was alleged a corpse had coughed and someone claimed to have caught fatal pathogens from it, suing the Funeral Company for millions. Experts were called in denying that that risk existed. Passing wind, yes, that happens frequently especially during transfers and bumpy car rides from hospitals, mortuaries, coroners, but coughing is not possible and passing wind does not carry dangerous pathogens. Very often funerals are now with as little fan fare as possible. The profits are being squeezed and in about 12% ashes are not even claimed. It is all part of a throw away culture.

The art of death is not alive as it used to be.

In Praise of Sex and Moscow State University

March 23, 2012

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Years ago, a movie about sex education was shown in a George Street cinema. It might have been during the mid or late fifties or so. The movie could only be seen by strictly segregated audiences. Women were on even, men (as always), on uneven days.

I was still young but mustardy keen about sex, very curious about finally viewing female genitalia. The ticket prices were more than usual. Sex, even the educational type, was exploited already then. The queues were long, but I finally got in. The ticket seller a male and so were all the ushers. Not a woman in sight.

The Hammond organ rose majestically from the bowels of the cinema, while large pink curtains slid open soundlessly. A stirring rendition of ‘God save the Queen’ was oozed out of the organ. We all stood up in Royal reverence and lustful expectation.

There was a short introduction by a lanky Liberace-like man dressed in a sparkling white suit, warning us all not to get over excited. Please, all stay calm throughout the entire film, he advised with stern authority. We would finally be shown the act of human re-production in all its black and white glory, he enthused. Far out!

Apart from the sighing of hundreds of young men with penises semi expectant, you could hear a pin drop. Not as much as a rustling chips packet.

The film finally started and with lots of diagrams and arrows there appeared shot after shot a plethora of ovum and sperm. Nothing actually moved. It was rather disconcerting when after some ovum and sperm finally getting together; a real live woman was shown to wheel a baby around in a pram. Not a twitch of anything sexual or erotic, in fact the opposite. No genital let alone genitalia.The disappointment was palpable.

The crowd was getting restless. A trickle made for the exit, soon followed by a torrent. Then, and I have never forgotten this, a very miffed young man shouted at the back of the cinema in a rasping strong Aussie accent…” has anyone cracked a fat yet?”  I still laugh in the sweet memory of it.

In those days, sex was totally kept subterranean and one was lucky to have seen a girl’s nude knee. Girls were kept at arm’s length. The mothers gave daughters sex information based on; if anything moves on the boy, no matter where or how, move away and come home immediately, darn a sock or boil some Brussel sprouts.

Haven’t things moved forward since? Just type in V A G I N A on the computer and one is greeted by 32.900.000 responses in one ninth of a second, compliments via Google. While the issues surrounding sex were cloaked in secrecy and mystery at earlier times, not anymore now. We certainly don’t need queue up in George Street cinema anymore. At the same time I wonder if the pendulum hasn’t swung the other way a bit too far. I mean, 32.900.000 times too far.

It all reminds me of standing in front of Moscow’s university, apparently one of the largest in world. Our lovely Russian guide Natasha informed us, that even if we got to a hundred years old, our lives would not be long enough living in a different room at that university every week.

The Lomonosov Moscow State University enrolls over 40.000 students annually with another 4000 foreign students. Its library alone has over 9.000.000 books with 2.000.000 in foreign languages. More than 6000 professors and lecturers are employed plus scores of researchers…

http://www.msu.ru/en/

Now, they are impressive numbers that surely matter more than the 32.900.000 vagina Google entrees .You would have thought that the world’s interest in sexual matters would now have subsided, calmed down a bit and shifted away to more pressing needs.

While the interest in the female genitalia continues unabated, it’s a different kettle of fish with penises. Amazingly, there are only 9.440.000 penis entrees on the internet. What do we make of that? Are we men not good enough? Are there some design flaws or the aesthetics unappetizing? We men need to feel secure and strong, you know.

Perhaps, it all comes down to choice. Our lives will not only be long enough to traverse through all of Moscow’s university rooms, neither do we have time to peruse all those vagina or penis entries. One thing is for sure. I would rather traverse through any university than trawl the net for genitalia. They are all so boringly uniform and the same. It’s just something with hair on it. Surely, there has to be more to life.

The Rage of a Man

February 26, 2012

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Now that millions have watched the video clip of ex Prime Minister K. Rudd exploding in not finding the right words to translate something in Chinese, we might try attempt understand why men seem to lose the plot so much more than women. I am talking about this uncontrolled Nikita Khrushchev-like blind desk thumping rage, not the kind of nagging anger that perhaps some women are better skilled at.

Is it all due to sex and hormones?

No-one expected him to be perfect at his job, but that so ‘losing it’ over such a seemingly trivial matter is not all that uncommon by men. The travel by men away from wife can’t be easy on the marital conjugals, can it? Can we still not remember Fraser and his early morning wandering around the American Hotel lobby sans pants some years ago? What a plight he found himself in! What a sweet story that was. Still, he never was caught having a blind rage. He made amends ever since, not least by having resigned his Liberal Party membership. Which ex Australian PM can boast that achievement?

This blind rage is why, they, us men, wage war. War is nothing much more than massive lemming-like collective going totally over the board raving nuts by fruitcake men. How can killing make life better?

Now, women generally don’t make war and rarely suffer from blind desk-thumping rage. However, it is not uncommon that just prior to their monthly hormone changes they can get quite stroppy and are known to even have committed murder. Indeed, a defense on those hormonal grounds is sometimes still taken in consideration. There have been cases where PMS has proven to have turned women in behaving like raving mad animals. Part of the acquittal of a woman of a serious crime was that she had to undertake a strict regime of Court ordered progesterone treatment. http://www.aic.gov.au/publications/previous%20series/proceedings/1-27/~/media/publications/proceedings/16/easteal2.pdf

One woman had stopped taking the Court ordered hormonal medication and within days hurled a brick through a window. She again used her hormonal imbalance successfully to be acquitted once again.

While men are at the mercy of producing millions of restless and angry sperms every second 24/7, (year in and year out), all of those millions of aggressive squirming desperate sperms are meant to get ejected outside or inside somewhere, let’s not forget women are just as subject to their physical and hormonal proclivities as well. Are they also not held at ransom by their, just as volatile, ovaries?  However, the business of ovaries is only monthly and during pregnancy even gets a bit of a well earned holiday. While with men it is often vented through blind raging Victa-lawnmower pull starting fury and hopelessly losing the plot.

We men can’t just make wars or stand above the hand-basin wanking day and night, can we?