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Amazing how much has happened in just a week. We in Australia now have a virtual lockdown in the effort to try and contain this Corona virus to manageable levels. All sorts of laws have been passed whereby we are lucky to still be allowed to marry or bury. Funerals no more than ten people are allowed not including the deceased and in marriage, just the couple, the celebrant and two witnesses.
I heard on the grape-vine, that this Government is now thinking of strongly recommending newly wed couples to not consummate their conjugal forays or coupling until the end of May or to each do it separated by a one and a half metre space, (with recommended mechanical aids available at hardware shops), with thorough hand cleansing afterwards. They are tough measures, this Government understands, but absolutely necessary if we want to get on top of this pandemic. Already there are rumours for the long (lost) married to be recommended, to sleep in separate beds and forego sex, (as if that would be so difficult.) with all the gloomy attention on the media on Corona virus and the number of deaths, night and day. Hardly an aphrodisiac.
Of course, none of the above, bar the possibility of a inopportune funeral, apply to me. I have space all around me and all day. I sometimes startle myself with a cough or a sneeze and look around if it was a stranger who has entered my house. As for the conjugal joys, I have just myself now, but I was pleasantly surprised to discover that a very nice female friend offered to stay with me during the planned cataract operation. Of course, nothing inappropriate is allured at nor to happen. Still, it is nice to think it.
I was phoned up last week by the hospital whereby they wanted to know who would pick me up from the hospital and if I had someone staying overnight in case the coming down with the anaesthetic would play up. I am not sure what would be playing up! However, all category three medical procedures including cataracts, are now cancelled as the masks and other protective equipment used is needed for the victims of this virus. This applies to both public and private hospitals.
As if it can’t get any worse. The second buyer of my place in Bowral pulled out the day after it was announced that no real estate auctions or open in-house inspections will be allowed anymore. So, now the agents ( Duncan Hill) are putting it up for sale again and for those interested, here it is. Of course, I am still moving to my place in Mittagong and very happily so!
https://duncanhill.com.au/listing-detail?listing_id=25868
Tags: Australia, Bowral, Cataract, Conjugal, Corona, Funeral, Government, Marriage, Pandemic
Oosterman Treats Blog 
March 26, 2020 at 6:30 am |
Thanks Gerrard. Will forward to Doby and Dot as I don’t think they are getting your perspective on life.
A giggle a day which we all need
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March 26, 2020 at 9:13 am |
Thank you, Sandie for doing that. We just have to bond to each other with giggles and lots of butter milk.
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March 26, 2020 at 6:51 am |
So funny, Gerard. I laughed out loud with MrMG about your social distancing ideas.
Your house is very attractive. If I was going to live in Bowral I would like to live there (but I know about the neighbours.)
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March 26, 2020 at 7:26 am |
Hi Jane.
As it turns out we are having a preliminary shop for a downsized domicile – perhaps in the Southern Highlands and we found what looks like a good deal on 1.5 acres of Moss Vale. But the catch is that in our 60s, the bank would want us to sell our Inner West palace and FM is going to have to have to have her cold dead fingers prized off this Victorian Italianate pile we’ve owned for 28 years and restored (pretty much) at huge cost in time and hard cash.
Make a mental picture of us burning furniture to keep warm and threatening the bailiffs with pointy sticks if this pandemic disaster persists for more than a year 🙂
Still, my Nan suffered two world wars and a depression and it would be churlish of me to have a whine about the current disaster. Oops, I think I might have just done that !
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March 26, 2020 at 9:32 am
Yes, you might like the Moss Vale address, Trouserzoff. I am very taken by this area and its people. They are not all hard core Morrison fans.
Just these last few months I have met some fantastic people totally into life and laughter.
A pity my sale fell through but, I will survive and just practise recycling and frugality. Aldi sells terrific wines with more medals than Fanny Blankers Koen and for the price of a kilo of butter.
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March 27, 2020 at 3:54 am
Hi TT, 1.5 acres doesn’t sound like downsizing to me! I’d be keeping the Victorian Italianate pile.
We lived in the same house in Annandale for 30 years. We sold it and spent 15 years living on 30 acres near Mudgee where we had a house built and planted 500 olive trees, a period of our lives which gave us a great deal of pleasure and a sense of achievement. When we sold the olive farm we moved into town and have had occasion to regret the sale of the Annandale house. When there is little to do we think about what we could be doing in Sydney. Not that it matters at the moment, because nobody is doing anything very much and it looks like being that way for some time.
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March 28, 2020 at 7:27 am
Hi Jane. Great story. An inspiration. My partner FM loves olive trees. We have two – one 8 years old bonsai and one unmolested in. Big pot.
I love them too. Bulletproof , elegant and productive- sooner or later- and I’m pleased to say they’ll see me out 😊
I have a fondness for Annandale. My first share house after leaving home at 19 was in View St. Many happy memories. My room cost $12 per week. It was 1973.
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March 26, 2020 at 9:23 am |
Yes, Jane. We have to try and still laugh. It is going to be hard. I am gardening at my new place and out of need for social contact go to just drive around and look at peoples’ faces behind their steering wheels. At Aldi I stand behind the red tape and try and fill the shopping bag with the least manual touch as possible. Sex is no problem for me, I just eat an apple.
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March 26, 2020 at 7:13 am |
Dear Gez. I’m alarmed that you seem to know more than is comfortable about our home life. We’ve been sleeping in separate rooms since I got my CPAP machine and when I went down with what was apparently toddler flu (from our beloved grandson), FM gave me endless lectures about stifling everything and washing everything and generally “DON’T COME NEAR ME”.
Good news is that I was tested for Covid-19 and I aint got it.
Understandably she doesn’t want to see our last few shekels of income (namely hers) getting cut off, and as you say, the daily death tolls are not effective aphrodisiacs and neither are the relentless fucktard interviews on TV.
As a working man (and I use the term ‘working’ increasingly loosely), all the fun seems to have gone out of people ridiculing the tragic drop kicks we have running our anglophone countries.
But yesterday a mate invited me to my first Zoom meeting at the pub, where we grab a drink and log in and get smashed together in virtual reality in the comfort of our own homes. Magic !
I was very sorry to hear that your former home sale fell through again – right up until you offered it to your mates and our friends… I remember your rant about arsehole neighbours !!!
Anyway, the title of your post “Keep Clinging to the Wreckage” is brilliant – perfectly capturing the gestalt of the moment.
Onya, Gez… and your cataracts. FM says that elective surgery is down 60% at her private hospital – which means that so many yacht payments are not going to get paid and the dude next to you in the Centrelink line might actually be a surgeon. Shocking !
See you later. I’m going to get some practice for tomorrow’s Zoom pub session.
Fond regards,
Therese.
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March 26, 2020 at 7:41 am |
I feel like I remain tied to the mast!
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March 26, 2020 at 10:39 am
Lucky to have one at our age.
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March 26, 2020 at 11:22 am
Dunno, I keep getting ads for cheap, Canadian Viagra.
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March 26, 2020 at 11:38 pm
So Canada is claiming Viagra now. I always thought it was on the border of Canada (or Canadia if you’re TONY ABBOTT) and the US.
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March 27, 2020 at 2:09 am
Sister cities with Cialis.
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March 26, 2020 at 10:01 am |
I haven’t had the benefits of zoom meetings but at the local cricket café, suitably named The Stumps met some terrific people and none of that business like at my bowling club with men and women sitting at separate tables. Not a hint of anti Lebanese or Muslims either.
Of course, my social meetings have taken a hit but with my new place and all the signing of contracts and then the withdrawing of buyers is keeping me alert.
But, i am financially able to keep going and feel lucky to be in a position I can have my shifter of Shiraz on a regular basis with some prawns, crackers and sliced cucumber.
I have made some nice friends and in particular a nice female friend, nothing in the realm of any conjugal or vigorous moving about, but still, a nice feeling to know someone cares and friendship.
Not worried about my cataracts. I’ll just squint a bit more.
Cheers,
Gerard
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March 26, 2020 at 7:40 am |
Yes, I think that sounds about right, re:consummation/conjugal access. I’d suggest purchasing some PVC conduit from Bunnings and cutting it to 1.5 meters so that couples can gauge the safe distance. Those who can’t restrain themselves should be coated in styrofoam, also available at Bunnings Warehouse.
Sorry to hear about the second buyer. Things are bad here. The IGA bottleshop has fallen to the cult of limiting sales. Imagine being limited to four slabs of beer, eighteen bottles of wine and two of spirits. How will families get through the week?
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March 26, 2020 at 10:19 pm |
The love- conjugal space equipment I saw at the Government’s recommended hardware shop (Bunnings) had no conduits. Are you sure you went to the right shelf, Big M? It is ready made and no cutting to any length necessary.
The ready made conjugal equipment is called ‘easy does it’ and consists of tubing (not unlike a down-pipe) which sits on a swivelling base remotely controlled by both partners to an angle suitable for sexual congress and joining, but at a distance of 1.5 metres.
No amount of squirming or thrusting can shorten the distance. The designers have inbuild the possibility of an over eager groom, (desperate after saving himself for weeks prior to wedded bliss), and hence the joint remote control where by the much calmer newly wed bride can, by the push of a button spray ice-cold water to the top of this tubing to becalm the now purple face groom. She is in total control and most likely will, from that first congress, remain in control for the rest of their married blissful years together.
Of course, you and I are sailing much calmer waters and have no need for any distances. In fact, in my own case I just have a good hot curry instead.
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March 27, 2020 at 2:08 am
I didn’t realise there was a special section. Must haave been aisle 43, or the first two digit number that comes into the employee’s head. I was in Electrical, which is still full of enough gear to illegally rewire a factory.
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March 27, 2020 at 4:01 am |
It’s the aisle next to the silicone and caulking compound, Big M. You can’t miss it as the aisle is given some protection by Border Force, protecting shy young lovers from checking the items out before buying. You can never be sure about old souteneurs sandal wearing perverts lurking about .
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March 27, 2020 at 4:06 am
I can empathise with those who new to the concept. Midwives are already gearing up for a glut of newborns nine months post lockdown.
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March 27, 2020 at 5:30 am
Yes, the chemists are already being ransacked for dummies and post natal soothers and pacifiers, while coy husbands wait patiently outside.
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March 27, 2020 at 7:44 am
Well, one false move and the post coital becomes the post natal.
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March 26, 2020 at 9:59 am |
Good to know someone has offered to be around when you have your surgery done.
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March 26, 2020 at 10:21 pm |
Yes, I was looking forward to it but I feel it will b cancelled as there seems to be a shortage of masks and surgical gowns. I did not know they were so difficult to manufacture.
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March 26, 2020 at 12:01 pm |
thanks for the laughs this morning. I do feel a bit sorry for newlyweds there, not everyone is mechanically inclined. Not too far from where I’m living, is Green Bay, Full of paper mills, running 24/7, and the toilet paper capital of the world, end it all the stores are still empty of toilet paper and tissues. No shortage of beer and whiskey though, so real panic is averted.
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March 26, 2020 at 12:03 pm |
I forgot to tell you, I had that Rockpile tune stuck in my head for two days, and now here you’ve used it as the title of your post!
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March 26, 2020 at 10:25 pm |
Yes, surprisingly Australia gets it toilet paper from China where it all started. The trouble with globalisation is that all manufacturing seems to end up in China who are now taking the world in showing how to overcome this dreadful virus.
Thank goodness that Shiraz is freely available.
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March 26, 2020 at 8:51 pm |
🙂 😀 😛
Newlyweds are gonna’ do what newlyweds are gonna’ do! 😉
Thanks for the laughs, Gerard!
Stay safe and well! Keep smiling! Keep finding the laughter! And enjoy your new digs!
(((HUGS))), no bugs, from me!!!
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March 26, 2020 at 10:28 pm |
Thank you, Carolyn Stay well and keep isolating. It’s the only way, but how cruel a fate. It must be so hard for those at home having lost jobs and income, and still with children to feed and bills to be paid.
Hugs too from Gerard.
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March 27, 2020 at 6:37 am
Yes, so many are hurting. 😦
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March 26, 2020 at 11:14 pm |
Gerard…on the subject of wines, I would like to tell a tale told by that great sommelier ; Len Evans…some may have heard it before, but it is certainly a moment worthy of a repeat…
It goes like this..:
Len Evans escorted a delightful lady friend to dine with him in a high-end restaurant…they were seated and the maître d’ was called to attend…
“What does the chef recommend? ” Len Evans inquired.
“The Ox tongue is of excellect quality tonight sir”…the man replied.
Len deffered to the lady for her approval, to which she frowned distastefully…
“Oh no….I couldn’t possibly eat something that came from an animal’s mouth…..I’ll have an omlette”.
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March 27, 2020 at 4:09 am |
I told a waiter in Montpellier- France. that I would like my beef tartare ‘medium done’. It made Helvi laugh. Such a nice memory.
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March 27, 2020 at 4:40 am
Gerard…I have been looking back over some posts I put up on that other blog site..I think you know the one I mean..I wanted to see why I drew so much animosity from the “in-crowd” there…and sure, there it was, just when the vitriol could be at it’s highest, in more than one time would Helvi come in with just the right thing to say to turn the “pack” away..I miss her calming reasoning and sage wit…a clever touch just when it was needed..yes..such a nice memory indeed.
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March 27, 2020 at 5:03 am
Gerard..I’ll give you the link to a story of mine..a rather sensual story that ..while I claim no actual knowledge of Helvi, nor her taste in literature save what books she mentioned in passing on a comment at that blog…I cannot help but feel she would have given a “knowing nod of understanding” at the intention of my story…even if accompanied by an admonishing finger wag!…
The story-line is set in the early seventies when the flower of our young years was in full bloom…
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March 27, 2020 at 5:32 am
Yes, that’s how Helvi was, she always stood up for anyone who she felt was slighted. And fearless she was.
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March 27, 2020 at 8:11 am
Some commenters were complete pricks towards you and Helvi. The Mysterious H, as Foodge called her, seemed to cope with great aplomb, but I’m sure she bore a personal cost.
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March 28, 2020 at 1:49 am
Yes, Helvi’s one strong dislike was the bullying that went on for some time on the different blogs, but especially the Bob Ellis one. It went on relentless. She could not understand it as she never came across that in Finland.
Some get a kick out of hurting others.
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March 28, 2020 at 4:48 am
Well, it certainly is a well told tale, Jo. And I am sure Helvi would admire the telling of it. ‘It is from a male writer,’ she might well have surmised, and she could possibly have added that a women writer might well not have added all the details of their congress. An admirable tale, well told Jo.
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March 27, 2020 at 1:04 am |
I wonder if our Shonky Salesman of a Prime Minister will set up a command within the Police to go around checking on the bonkers. Call them the bonk police if you like or the pork patrol.
Like you I’m unsure if my Cataract operation will go ahead. It’s not scheduled until 29 May with the second on 12 June. Who knows.
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March 27, 2020 at 4:13 am |
Well, he just announced all incoming travellers at airports will undergo compulsory isolation for two weeks. They will be taken to hotels and other places and forced into 2 weeks of isolation. I think that is a good idea and should have been done earlier.
My cataract is scheduled for 9th of April and in a private hospital but I am sure it will be cancelled and rightly so.
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March 27, 2020 at 5:14 am
I fully expect my cataract op to be put back as well which is fine. We have friends who are on the Vasco Di Gama, who find the changes for them change once or twice a day, they’re quiet upbeat really and taking it all in their stride. No doubt we’ll get a whatsapp update soon to let us know the “latest” change. I agree those returning should have been isolated in hotels earlier.
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March 27, 2020 at 1:42 am |
If we can rely upon the stages of restraint listed in Daniel Defoe’s “The year of the plague” in London in those times, the next govt’ demand will be “tickets of permission to travel” issued for those that need to be upon the roads.
Of course the astrologists and quack medicine people are already out and about.
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March 27, 2020 at 4:14 am |
It’s getting there by stealth, Jo. I wish they would get it over with and put Australia in total lockdown.
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March 27, 2020 at 2:39 am |
Times have changed considerably from last year, Gerard. Those of us who have been here on wordpress for some years, remember the days when life seemed so certain. I hope you can find another seller. It is a horrid feeling when a sale falls through and your thoughts for the future receive a hit. We just need to hang on don’t we?
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March 27, 2020 at 4:16 am |
I might find another seller but with the speed of how this is going , I somehow have doubts. Everyone is urged to stay put, so…I think most commercial things will come to an end for the time being. But, things might improve in another 6-8 weeks. We shall see.
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March 27, 2020 at 4:38 am
Crossing my fingers for you, Gerard. Where are you moving to? Closer to family? Downsizing?
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March 27, 2020 at 5:34 am
I have bought another place not far from here a few weeks ago which will settle on the 14th of April. Most of my personal stuff is already there.
I might still sleep here for a while, see how things are going. I’ll try and get a video of the new place here on my blog.
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March 27, 2020 at 11:06 am |
Strange times. All weddings and baptisms are banned here, the government stopped short of including funerals, but think numbers are limited. Our daughter and her partner are hoping their wedding in mid Ugust will be able to go ahead, but who knows? These are unprecedented times.
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March 28, 2020 at 1:54 am |
Yes, my birthday is in August, so far the Government haven’t banned them yet. I will keep it quit and just lit a single candle and sing ‘happy birthday’ under my lonely pillow, and just hope Milo will remember the day.
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March 28, 2020 at 11:20 am
Let’s imagine this crisis will have stilled enough by August for some things to resume. But you never know, they could ban birthdays yet ….
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March 31, 2020 at 6:06 pm
Our son in Benalla, Victoria, is going to turn 60 in one week from today. And Peter is going to turn 85 on the 16th of May! I guess there won’t be any family gatherings for any of these birthdays. This is very sad. Otherwise Peter and I do not suffer too much from self isolation. We have plenty of things to occupy ourselves with. 🙂
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March 31, 2020 at 11:28 pm
Yes, Uta. We try to be busy and reasonably fit. I keep on driving up and down to the other place while also cooking, cleaning and walking with Milo.
All the best to both of you, Gerard
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March 27, 2020 at 2:21 pm |
I heard an interview with a local realtor on radio last weekend, and laughed when he said the best aroma for an on-offer house now is the sweet smell of bleach, rather than chocolate chip cookies baking in the oven. Houses still are being shown, but only by appointment, and a good bit is being done online, such as initial visits. Once someone gets serious, on-site visits are possible, with complimentary gloves and sanitizer at the ready.
Like everyone else, I’m taking precautions. I won’t need to visit a store for a couple of weeks, although some fresh greens and fruit might tempt me in that direction. I got gas yesterday, and was appropriately cautious, and I visit the mail boxes only when no one’s around. Still, I just can’t whomp up any sense of total panic, as some of my friends have. I just truck on, singing this song.
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March 28, 2020 at 2:05 am |
I have a bottle of hand sanitiser pinned on the front door. From a distance the green colour of the bottle could be mistaken for a bunch of ‘forget-me-nots and looks quite nice.
Last night I seriously considered withdrawing from settling and loose the 10 % deposit, but this morning I felt much more optimistic and even went out to buy a new washing machine. A front loader as my present one is a top loader which won’t fit in the new place because the laundry has a continuing bench top. It is a terrific laundry with cupboards, a broom or iron cupboard and a large sink. I can’t wait to do my first load.
Never thought I would get so domesticated but living on my own and in isolation I have to stretch domestic duties and squeeze as much joy out of it as possible. I feverishly try and come up with things to do next, and jump up from my solitude and easy chair to do the next little job.
Of course reading is a blessing and last night I read a short story by Truman Capote called ‘Miriam’. A lovely little tale.
Thank you for the song, Linda.
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March 27, 2020 at 11:17 pm |
Given how contagious covid-19 is, Gerard, any couple that is contemplating marriage or are already living together, have already had so much personal contact that a little more isn’t going to hurt. Now a large wedding gathering is something else. We are isolated here as well, but since we live on five acres out in the boonies, it isn’t much of a challenge. Glad you have a friend that is helping out! –Curt
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March 28, 2020 at 4:55 am |
Well, I am so self isolating that if it was any more, it would be just a shadow. It is hard on your own but on the other hand also very likely not to infect others. Your five acres seem ideal too.
Just listening to the radio, guns are flying out of gun shops in the US. I would have thought beans, or chickpeas would be hoarded, but guns? I am so keen to understand why that is so. The enemy is the corona virus not each other, surely.
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March 30, 2020 at 12:06 am
Self-isolating isn’t that much of a sacrifice for us given the surroundings and our ability to self-entertain (which, for me, includes blogging and reading blogs form my friends!
As for the guns. It’s a form of insanity that America has suffered from for a long, long time. I don’t think it is understandable. I can’t. –Curt
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March 27, 2020 at 11:52 pm |
Hi Gerard. Love your writing. You’re as sharp as ever. Love from Viv.
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March 28, 2020 at 4:56 am |
Love from me too. Thanks for the compliment, hug.Gerard.
How is hubby?
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March 28, 2020 at 9:35 pm |
Not too crash hot. It’s come back.
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March 31, 2020 at 11:21 pm |
Sorry to hear that, Viv
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