A nostalgic look back at my Colonoscopy.

English spinach

English spinach

When I wrote the vasectomy piece a few day ago I did not know that I would be in for spamming e-mails trying to flog pills promising to ‘enlarge your man meat’ and ‘make her scream for more of you.’ followed this morning with the cheery, “Satisfy even the most insatiable nymphomaniac with your relentless sexual power!” At my age I just enjoy a warm milk and spoonful of honey stirred in. The last thing I would want is a screaming nymphomaniac lunging for my manhood. She might have trouble finding it now!

It brought back memories of my colonoscopies some years back. I don’t know why. Perhaps the images of ‘man-meats’ and most male porn, dedicated to images of turkey wattles and inner bicycle tyres has that effect on me. It turns the mind to the opposite of erotica, perhaps as a calmative, antidote or kind of army administered bromide in tea, to keep hands above the blankets. Hence a look now back on my colonoscopy. It is a grey day and raining relentlessly.

The colonoscopy was performed by a good and fully qualified endoscopist/doctor. I don’t know what drives anyone to become an investigator of colons. The same might well be asked of those that put down words in a certain order. At least the inspector of colons gets paid handsomely. He might come home to a lovely wife (or husband), gets served up a nice lamb chop with English spinach. He can relax and regale to spouse about his terrific colonoscopies performed during the day. He might be tired but has done his job well. He knows that.

The writer of words has to stumble in the dark. It is not clear cut as a polyp post polypectomy. He has a feeling, but feelings are often strange bedfellows. How words feel, can change. They are not set in concrete. Definitions of words are there, but as soon as you put another word next to it, it changes. A rose at dawn is withered at dusk. He hopes for the best but as luck has it, he/she has one arrow, unfailing and unwavering. It is the enjoyment of it. So, in a way the colon investigator and word writer might both be as necessary. In fact both might be symbiotic.

It was during my second last colonoscopy. Nurse asked me to draw my knees up higher; ‘doctor needs good access,’ she murmured. I obliged, I knew the score and was on first names with the good doctor. I woke up during his attempt to remove yet another obstinate polyp. The pain was somewhat greater than the tranquiliser. As I woke I had a look on the screen and in my drugged and confused state thought I was having a look at turkey wattle inner tube bicycle porn. The horror, the horror! Fortunately it was my own bowel, the very end of it.

I woke up in bed and after an hour or so was rewarded by a kind nurse with a nice ham and cheese sandwich and lovely lime jelly as desert. I was so hungry!

I did write about his before and GOT PAID.

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24 Responses to “A nostalgic look back at my Colonoscopy.”

  1. Yvonne Says:

    Bravo for both articles! You’re getting your words down in good order, Gerard. 🙂


  2. rod Says:

    Too bad about the spam. As for motivation I have just read an article which basically complained about what an awful job writing was but a consolation was that something of himself would be left. The legacy argument does not persuade me. If you don’t enjoy it, don’t do it unless you have to.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. bkpyett Says:

    You always make smile Gerard, even with serious topics. Sorry you didn’t get paid this time!


  4. Irene Waters 19 Writer Memoirist Says:

    Another fun article. You have a nice way of describing innards and medical procedures. I wonder what kind of spammers you’ll get after this one. Congrats on a paid article as well.


  5. Carrie Rubin Says:

    The title alone for this article is priceless! Ah, the colon. What a mysterious place. As is a writer’s mind, so your comparison is apt. 🙂


    • gerard oosterman Says:

      Glad you enjoyed the words Carrie.
      A colonoscopy of the mind is what could be even more enlightening. There has to be a lot of unexplored territory there. In my own case, probably a lot of flotsam, a bit of string, bottle tops, an empty jar or torn jacket.

      Liked by 2 people

  6. hilarycustancegreen Says:

    Very entertaining. I assume cameras can now explore the whole inner tubing given they can come in from either end – luck doctors!


  7. petspeopleandlife Says:

    You are so dang funny. I was out like a light when I had my colon inspected. I was so weak from all the fasting and crap that one must drink before the procedure, After m,y son brought me home I stepped out of the pickup, my knees buckled and I collapsed to the ground. My son picked me up carried me into the house and, dropped me on my bed, I was so cold and shook like a leaf. I could not get warm and it was 90+ degrees outside. The lady that helped me with my pets put hot water bottles all around me and covered me with blankets. The doctor’s nurse said it was “just a reaction from the “knock-out” meds and the fact that I had nothing in my stomach for almost 24 hours.

    In short, I do not like being subjected to having my colon inspected.

    Your account is quite enlightening and makes for a good read. “-)


    • gerard oosterman Says:

      Glad you enjoyed the read. It makes it all worthwhile. I don’t think too many look forward to someone peering up their colon, but someone has to do it. I am glad I don’t have to.
      A good feed after is essential.


  8. Andrew Says:

    After I had my colonoscopy (I am a paid up member of the club) I was presented with the usual report and, wait for it, a DVD of the entire procedure so I could sit back of a winter’s evening and enjoy reliving what I missed first time round due to my deep sleep. I didn’t get any spam.

    Liked by 1 person

    • gerard oosterman Says:

      Gee, a DVD? That’s really something. You might consider having a housewarming with nice crackers, nibblies and tasty cheese with the DVD being played in the back-ground. Nothing too obvious. Just a nice neighbourly get together.

      Liked by 2 people

      • gerard oosterman Says:

        You can just imagine the neighbours sauntering home afterwards: ‘ What an extraordinary couple’, ‘yes, and did you see that movie?’ ‘Yes, very strange, but they are from HK’, very eccentric couple.’ ‘Lovely fire though, and the boursin biscuits were just delightful’. ‘Very nice people’, ‘yes very nice.’


      • Andrew Says:

        Great idea Gerard. Invite others to a Cheese & Colonoscopy party.


  9. kaytisweetlandrasmussen83 Says:

    You might have music playing in the background by “The Colonoscopy Five”. It’s a new rap group here in the U.S. They really stick it to you.


  10. Master of Something Yet Says:

    Oh. I thought this was going to be a piece on the study of punctuation. If they remove part of your bowel, does it become a semi-colon?


  11. Patti Kuche Says:

    I will have to come back and read this in more detail later – the title with thoughts of nostalgia and your final two words were entertaining enough on their own. And so well done for getting PAID!


  12. What’s in a title? | Oosterman Treats Blog Says:

    […] 2015 the WordPress annual report stated that during the year  A nostalgic look back at my Colonoscopy was the most read and responded to, with 121 views. That says a lot about what draws readers to my […]


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