My top ten of Erotic imaginings. Or, a Vasectomy’s best friend)

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What Dr Baraba Simcock doesn’t know about the male genitalia isn’t worth talking about. At the last count in 2005, she had done over 16000 vasectomies and still counting. That is a minimum of 32000 balls she has peered at and pondered about. An amazing feat. I hope she sleeps soundly. If anyone is deserving of a Dame/Knighthood, surely she is. She looked at mine in 1972 when it, the vasectomy not the testicles, was still a bit of a novelty. A commercial TV station, channel 9 interviewed me live afterwards on telly interspersed with advertisements for Cadbury Marsh bars. ‘How is your performance now afterwards,’ the smirking girl asked? According to Helvi, who watched the interview, I visibly shrunk and leaned back in my chair. ‘Oh, very nice’, thank you’, I answered ever so politely.

My mum, previously a devout believer in ‘letting the little ones come’ was surprisingly tolerant having watched the TV segment of her son’s interview. She even wished the procedure would have been available during her years of green meadows fertility and almost yearly pregnancies. I am not sure if dad would have volunteered. They were different times.

Dr Barbara wished me well after I walked out of the Family Planning Clinic, testes bandaged securely, gave me a packed of coloured (and flavoured) condoms and urged me to ‘do it as often as you like’ ‘clearing all systems of life sperm is important’, she added. Also ‘You need to give a sample in 6 weeks time to determine, how diligently you have been, and that you are ready for a lifetime of sex without worrying about unwanted pregnancies. I couldn’t wait. Surely, the advice ‘ as often as you like’ also needed an equally enthusiastic partner, unless of course, a helping hand was allowed in the clearing of the ‘vasa deferentia’. I was given the address of the pathologist that would determine my sample to see if everything was ready for a full steam conjugal trip around the world for ever and ever.

I don’t want to get too medical. I’ll keep it short and to the point. Those who have followed so far but who are likely to get upset about explicit sexual references have the chance to leave now or look askance and think of Brussels Sprouts, or depending on cultural backgrounds, of Spanish Chorizos.

After a hectic six weeks and looking pale, I wearily made my way to the City pathologist in the bus from Balmain. It was the 401. The girl at the counter smiled friendly and supportively, gave me a small glass jar and led me to a room. ‘You will have plenty of time, the next client won’t be here till another hour’. ‘Please, you can lock the room behind you, she added’. She smiled again but not too much so. Just supportive and so typical of her gender. No fuss..

The first thing that struck me of the room was the total lack of a romantic ambience. I thought it would be softly furnished with a warm pink glow. The wall was adorned with a horrible print of a greenish Egyptian Pharaoh woman that one sees in op-shops. Nothing but a few magazines and some shelving, on top of which was a packet of Kleenex tissues. What was I supposed to do? I sat down in the Parker chair feeling dejected and not at all keen, staring at my little glass jar. What had I got myself into and what will the girl at the desk think when I hand over my empty jar?

I perused the magazines. They were full of the most provocative and beckoning ladies. What I thought were ads for chicken wings turned out to be close ups of shaven genitals. On top of all that, was I going to be unfaithful in this hour of such desperation (and of which was no return) to chicken wings? I looked at my watch. Thirty five minutes had passed already and to make things worse, a couple of male voice were outside my door. Are they queuing up now? I panicked.

It was all still so flappery floppery.

But then, I relaxed and thought, surely you can do it. Something was awakening, a kind of ‘doing it for your country and the over- population scourge together with a lust to prove to the girl behind the counter, I was still a man. I took action by first moving away from the Pharaoh woman’s gaze on the wall. Resolute and determined I decided to re-call my most and best top ten in the hit parade of sexual imaginings. The ones that withstood the test of time, over and over again. I think it was number six with the heaving and sighing and languid look, that IT rose to the occasion. My little glass jar tilted at the ready, was now ever so willing and able. There were still 16 minutes left and I relaxed to the point of ‘might as well make the most of it’ heroically relishing the lovely tingling creeping up my spine and, while recklessly easing off a little, took my time and gave helping hand a bit of earned rest , only to resume my previous momentum, except a little faster and more urgent now.

I unlocked the door, and triumphantly handed over my discretely wrapped in Kleenex tissues compliant glass jar to the smiling girl.

I had still seven minutes left. I could hardly have asked for extra time and enjoy a post conjugal nap as well.

There was another ‘client’ waiting.

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36 Responses to “My top ten of Erotic imaginings. Or, a Vasectomy’s best friend)”

  1. Yvonne Says:

    OMG!!!! I’m almost speechless … (And, I can’t stop laughing!)

    Liked by 1 person

    • gerard oosterman Says:

      It was an unusual experience. It needed to be told. I thought it was funny as well. The local butcher had seen the TV segment and thought it was a kind of castration. I put him right.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Yvonne Says:

        There was a lot of mis-understanding about the effects of this surgery.

        My husband had to go over the border to the USA (from Canada, not Mexico!), to be able to access this surgery in 1966.

        Liked by 1 person

      • gerard oosterman Says:

        The truth is that all those millions of life sperms get absorbed in the body desperately fighting for an outlet, any outlet. Dr B.Simcock warmed me up considerably by explaining that, if anything, the man’s libido’ increases after a vasectomy.

        I thought Canada would have been ahead of the US in birth control. 1966? Your husband must have been a pioneer of the snip then.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Dorothy brett Says:

    Gerard you are so funny and so very clever with your command of English.

    Like

  3. bkpyett Says:

    What a well told story. I hope you gave them some advice about refurbishing the room!! My 45 year old cousin became pregnant after her husband had his vasectomy. Obviously not everyone hands out the flavoured, coloured condoms!

    Liked by 1 person

    • gerard oosterman Says:

      Well, I don’t think Barbara Simcock would have been pleased with that story of a post vasectomy pregnancy. Obviously the husband could not have had a sperm count test done. Did he not like the look of the glass jar?

      Like

  4. auntyuta Says:

    What do you need condoms for when you have had a vasectomy? Ah, is it because of that lolly flavour?

    Like

  5. berlioz1935 Says:

    You have the knack to tell a story. Perhaps men who plan to have the procedure done should get a copy of your story handed to them.

    Perhaps you could sell the story to the clinic.

    Like

    • gerard oosterman Says:

      That’s a nice compliment but I would not want to make money out of giving men the same opportunity and joy.
      I think if anything the men should get together and make the room a bit more masturbately condusive and cheerful, upgrade the erotica away from those close -ups of chicken wings would help.
      I had a heck of a job with that stern ghoulish Pharaoh woman trying to put me off.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. rod Says:

    I was not tested afterwards, the assumption being it had worked. It didn’t occur to me that it might not have. I will not go into detail about the years of discomfort afterwards – but they never mention that this is even a possibility.

    Like

  7. Carrie Rubin Says:

    How wonderfully descriptive and funny this is! So glad you finished before the clock struck zero. And seven minutes to spare even.๐Ÿ™‚

    Like

  8. Master of Something Yet Says:

    Is Doctor Barbara Simcock a republican? If Tony Abbott offered her a Damehood, she might get snippy with him. This would be a good thing.

    Like

  9. stuartbramhall Says:

    Agreeing to a vasectomy is an important political act. I wish more men were so courageous.

    Like

    • gerard oosterman Says:

      Thank you, but it wasn’t all that courageous. Pretty small operation and far more sensible than for the woman to carry the burden with either the pill or a much bigger operation, or fiddling with condoms.
      Many men brag about their ‘enormous endless voluminous ejaculations’ and seem to believe that this will be curtailed after the vasectomy and don’t want to get that infringed upon in any shape or form.
      Of course, more men than women also faint when they need to get a blood test done.

      Like

  10. Curt Mekemson Says:

    One thing I am absolutely sure of Gerard, is I never know where you are going to take your blog. Maybe they needed a video with an attractive woman saying, “come on big boy, you can do it.” (Laughing) โ€“Curt

    Like

  11. Irene Waters 19 Writer Memoirist Says:

    That is such a funny story and so well told. It is a subject that even today you never hear spoken of (at least not around me) so it is great to have it aired and in such a positive funny way. Sarah Turnbull in her memoir “All good things” speaks of the differences between France and Australia in the furnishings provided for the male to produce his offering for IVF procedures but of course she is second hand. You should send this to a medical magazine – you’d probably get a taker.

    Like

  12. Silver in the Barn Says:

    Flappery floppery. Brussels Sprouts. 32,000 balls. Again, Gerard, “Only You-oooo-oo!”

    Like

  13. petspeopleandlife Says:

    Gerard you are candid and so funny. What a riot you are. I’m glad that you were man enough to submit to having your manhood snipped.๐Ÿ™‚

    Like

  14. hilarycustancegreen Says:

    It’s good to know that, as a women, there is at least one embarrassing medical procedure that you will NOT be asked to undergo.

    Like

  15. Patti Kuche Says:

    Fabulous story Gerard, even if I’m not sure whether you are coming or going in this great tale.

    Love the photo! Helvi and issue?

    Like

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