Days of Lambada are over. Vegetable listening for seniors.

'Klap eens in de handjes'. Granddad and grandson

‘Klap eens in de handjes’. Granddad and grandson

With youth comes wild abandonment and Brazilian coffee if not Brazilian waxes as well. We would give ourselves over to impulsive behaviour and do the Lambada. The impulse to follow dreams and a keen focus on bikini surfie girls/ polo necked gods of the surf and sun have been tempered. Wildfires of our youths now becalmed and doused down by an air-crane helicopter named Elvis hovering almost permanently over us, just in case of a senior flare up in the lonely petuniated suburbs of no return. We knew a different Elvis then. We used to sway hips like the best of them. Now we risk someone calling triple zero and an ambulance. What has happened?

The agility both of body and mind are less elastic. Not necessarily less able. Just containing or obtaining less flourishes or circularity of movements. The tendons have stiffened and all seem now in 78 LP feeble crank-up phonograph mode. We have pre-coital naps instead of post, if not during as well. The Sugar Hill Hip Hop rapper speed has long gone into reverse. I doubt I could do even a single number on the masonite sheet my son used to carry around when trying to earn a crust rapping around the corner in East Balmain or Kings Cross. At best I might sit on the concrete pavements supported by a few cushions and bang on an empty paint drum in order to attract alms or a few bitter biscuits.

Lately at Aldi’s I have taken to a rather amusing if not perverse little past-time or diversion ,just to while some time away. You could call it ‘senior moments’. I have taken to picking up a crop of garlic or an eggplant, similar vegetables or even fruit. ( Mangoes lent themselves exceptionally well for that.) I make sure someone is near and watching. I then nonchalantly tap the item while holding it to my ear, as if getting an answer or sound back indicating a level of quality of the item, a kind of sonar echo from within the depth of the vegetable. I sometimes put the item back, pick another one and repeat the tapping. I then nod approvingly this time and put it in my trolley, pretending I am a picky shopper. I then continue along the isles but look back unobserved. I have seen now shoppers imitating my tapping and listening to the vegetables/ fruit.

I know it is rather dodgy and of dubious moral value. I do trick people like that but some compensation for lacking youthful agility and tempestuousness of earlier years is surely permissible. I could be holding up a bank or molesting a salvation army officer knocking on my door. Some very strange things are happening at times. It makes my fruit and vegie sonar listening a rather innocent past-time. Some might go further and hold me as stupid, a screw loose and infantile. They could be right on the money.

There is hope.

17 Responses to “Days of Lambada are over. Vegetable listening for seniors.”

  1. hilarycustancegreen Says:

    What a brilliant idea. I wonder if I have the panache to spread this new ‘expertise’ into another continent. I think I’d get the giggles.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. rod Says:

    One day a plant will reply.
    This is one paragraph only from an article in New Scientist.

    ‘Bose was also well ahead of his time. It wasn’t until 1992 that his idea of widespread electrical signalling in plants received strong support when researchers discovered that wounding a tomato plant results in a plant-wide production of certain proteins – and the speed of the response could only be due to electrical signals and not chemical signals travelling via the phloem as had been assumed. The door to the study of plant behaviour was opened.’


  3. la_lasciata Says:

    Gerard, you grow fantastical !!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Andrew Says:

    Yes, I think it is likely that you will one day get a reply. Man searches for alien life and finds it in an aubergine. Headline in SMH. “All those hours with a telescope and satellites wasted, says Gerard. All you needed was an Aldi eggplant.” If Hilary will try it in Waitrose I will try it in City Super. New global phenomenon……. veggie tapping and listening. Shake, Rocket and Roll?

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Silver in the Barn Says:

    Surely not during, Gerard. And I would never call you infantile. Just my cup of super-sonic tea, you are.


  6. chris hunter Says:

    A mid-coital nap? Christ, is that what’s ahead of me? But my wife is nineteen years younger – call the sky-crane?


  7. chris hunter Says:

    Gerard, on the subject of sky cranes. My first encounter with a sky crane was at Nui Dat, South Vietnam c July 1969.

    The Yanks had a communications unit to monitor B52 strikes situated adjacent to our lines. A part of this setup included a chopper pad for visiting choppers. On this occasion a rumour got around that a massive chopper was about to arrive and then load up an equally massive steel beam. A not to miss event.

    Soon we heard the beat of its blades. This was a real big mother and then we saw it, the unmistakable shape of a preying mantis, a flying gantry, an inferno of steel, looming larger by the second.

    One thing that we the observers collectively understood, was that it would be a herculean task for anything to shift this massive girder, and we watched awestruck, gobsmacked, as the great throbbing beast straddled and straining, gradually prized it upward from the jealous earth. At that time Elvis released a number 1 hit – In The Ghetto.

    Merry Xmas


    • gerard oosterman Says:

      It sounds like a monster chopper. I remember going to an airshow at Richmond airport. There was the world’s biggest freight plane, a Russian giant. We were allowed to walk inside and it was claimed a small plane could fly inside this freight plane.
      It was big but I took this claim of a small plane inside with a grain of salt.
      You must have had some odd and perhaps very fearful experiences in Vietnam.

      Merry Christmas to you too.


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